The Strange thoughts I have

My husband’s ex is playing a power trip right now regarding getting her son in to counseling.  She is making sure he follows the court order down to the T and plus some, i.e. she has requested more counselor options than what was required by the court order.  She is only allowing this process to happen because we are less than a month from the next court hearing and she knows she is in deep trouble, she for the 5^th time (I know because My husband and I had to go plowing through court orders for her last night and along the way counted, yes wrong to count but when you are angry you don’t always do what is right) not doing court ordered anger management or co-parenting.  It’s rather pathetic.  However there is a point where you pick your battles, trying to show her what a jerk she is right now is not a battle we need to do when we finally have leverage and the possibility of getting my step-son in to some much needed therapy.  When it really comes down to it these lying emails from her mean very little,  If she really cared about her son and getting him in to therapy, which has been in almost every court order since 2006, she would have released him for the therapy the many times we have gone down this road before.  We have gone as far as agreeing on a counselor in the past and she refused to sign the release paper work needed at the counselor’s office, this did not go over very well in court last time, hopefully she remembers that.  My hope is this time we can move fast enough and push this enough to get him in to the counseling he needs.

That though isn’t the real reason I am writing.  It is this process that got me to thinking about my step-sons schedule with us.  My step son is with us from Friday through Monday every week. (We pick him up at school on Friday afternoon and drop him back off on Monday morning.)  We actually get more face to face time with him than she does because he is in school most of the week, so I actually like this schedule, in a way I know it is limiting her influence on his life.  However through digging through almost 4 years of court paper work (fyi we average 5 times in court a year, so this is no small pile) I was thinking there really are some other benefits.  Primary benefit is that if she was to OD and die it wouldn’t be a whole weekend before anyone found out.  I keep trying to decide if this is a really bad thought, like unkind thought.  My husband wants to have his son living with us through the school week and at his mom’s on the weekend, primarily for schooling reasons. 1) He will know his son is actually getting to school and on time, not hours late with the excuse of illness, asthma etc.  2) He will have more control of My step-son’s learning and will know he is actually learning through the week, completing homework etc. 3) His pride, I think most married women and probably all step-mom’s can relate.  I don’t know, I have a feeling that we will end up with full custody at some point of my step-son, she will either die from and over dose or she will end up in jail.

Court is in 3 weeks.

I am curious what will happen, will all of her last minute attempts to manipulate the judge in to thinking that she is working at this work? Maybe.  Will they finally put their foot down? Unlikely.

Where is God in all of this? – I mean with me.  I realize she isn’t a Christian, but how do I fight this anger, how do I move forward in a way that reflects Gods? I feel blinded by the Anger at times, but I also feel justified in my anger.  Who would ever put their own pride ahead of their child so much that they would hurt him as badly as she hurts her own flesh and blood?

I struggle with Gods approach to this all. I keep praying for wisdom. James 1:19-27

Caught in the middle.

Do you ever just not know what to do?

I feel like these custody battles are this constant trying to figure out what the court would want you to do and say rather than truly being interested in the child’s best interests.  My husband received an email from his ex regarding the mental state of his youngest son.  In his response, which we took several days to create in hopes to not be too on the defensive with our answer, we were preparing it for what we felt the judge in April will want to see. 

His mental state is fragile. 

In a sense it is everyone’s fault.

It is the ex’s fault, indeed, and I could go on for hours about how drug addiction and being arrested multiple times are OFCOURSE going to affect a child.

It is our fault too though.  No we don’t beat my stepson, but we definitely feel the stress this co-parenting conflict.  We try not to let it interfere with his life, but I know it does.

I think some of my stepson’s issues are a reaction coming out after the fact, like he can finally start putting his guard down too.  We no longer see my husband’s ex at the exchange at all; we have figured a way out to make it so neither of us have to see each other.  I think this has really helped to stabilize life for my stepson, and he is feeling ok to not have to be the emotional adult finally.  I think in some ways his reactions are good, not that he is feeling that way but for a child to go through as many changes and stressful things as he has and be reacting in life as a normal healthy child is just not right.  I think he’s been holding this all in. His older brother has been acting a lot of things out, and through all of them I remind myself that this is normal for someone living the life he is.   So wouldn’t it be normal for the younger one to act it out too?  He isn’t immune to it just because he is younger. 

We offered counseling again.

I doubt she will take it; she hasn’t done anger management or co-parenting.

Through this my stepson continues to be caught in the middle.  Both sides DO love him. But he has what they both seem to want, his love, his health, his best interest; and he is getting squeezed by it.

A short update

My husband’s ex never showed for her co-parenting classes, so my husband will be doing co-parenting alone for the third time.  I wonder how many times we will have to do this before they realize she doesn’t care and start taking some of her rights away.  This is a good sign she never went to anger management.

On an interesting front my husband’s ex has also deiced to start using his last name again??  Really??? Why???

We have been painting my step sons room the last two weeks (as we have had time.) I think he told his mom about it, as apparently she is painting her whole house.  I asked my husband if he thinks she asked her landlord, he said if she did it would be a first.  There are just days where you just have to go huh??.  This is one for me. 

Satisfaction?

The week after next is the start of what we call the CP class to the boys.  It is a Co-Parenting class that my Husband and his ex-wife have been court ordered to go through.  This will be the 3^rd time my husband has completed a co-parenting course; we are hoping she will show up for the first time. 

Or are we? 

Part of me prays she will show up for the benefit of us all.  For garsh sakes we are ALL sick of the constant fight to just get the smallest things done, like get told when there is a doctor’s appointment.  WE pay the fricken bill when it comes in and she doesn’t, why shouldn’t we go to the appointments.  At the very least be told they are coming. 

After being told all year you’re a bad parent and step-parent by the ex, truth be told, sometimes it is nice to go to court to have the court tell the ex they are screwing up.  So I won’t lie, there is definitely an evil part of me that says: “Don’t show, please don’t show again.  You are on such thin ice with the judge as it is.”  (The judge knows my husband’s ex by name, this is a judge that sees a good 5 cases an hour over an average 8 hour day, I don’t think she realizes that isn’t a good thing that he knows her by name.)  There is a part of me that see’s that if she doesn’t go this time to her anger management and co-parenting that she won’t have many more chances before we are given more of the legal rights and she loses some.  .  . . . . I know, that is SO wrong, what happened to wanting what is best for the kids.  There is a part of me, and luckily it is still the larger part of me, that hopes that she does go this time.  That this time WILL be different and we will start on a more positive path with the parenting of her son.  But there is this sweet satisfaction in the court room to see the judge get pissed with her and her excuses.  Just his face and eye rolls are so satisfying to see.  It makes me feel justified in being pissed myself.

 So Wednesday, March 3rd is a telling night, as they are supposed to go together to the class. 

Am I really me.

Before I met my husband I had a lot of dreams.  I knew who I was. I love my husband, but I am struggling with what I gave up to be with him.  I was free. I had dreams he wanted no part of. Being with him now means those dreams I release.  Did I give up me to be with him?  Without those dreams I don’t know if I am me anymore, aren’t we our dreams and making those dreams happen, is that who we are?  It hurts.   I miss my dreams. I wonder if I am missing me.  

DMV Confessions

I just had a “not so best” moment in my life at the DMV yesterday.  I just moved to the state I am living in and was unaware they would make me take a written test when I went to get my new states drivers license.  I have moved to other states and just received a new license when I went to the DMV.  . . . Unfortunately I did not pass the test.  Some of the questions I missed were ones I should have gotten too.  The person  who graded my test was probably thinking  “I do NOT want this person on the road!”  I wouldn’t blame them.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know the right answer, but I’ve never been good at tests!  In school I ALWAYS did horrible on pop quizzes, even if I knew everything, the anxiety would make my mind a big blur. To give me a test without knowing I was going to have to take, killed my chances of passing. I walked out of the little test room they had with big eyes and my heart pounding.  My sweet husband came along with me to be a support, poor man had no clue what he had gotten himself in to.  I was terrified.  I just knew I didn’t do well.  I tried to remember each of the many questions there were and go over my answers with him.  I remember three, and there were a lot more than 3.  Needless to say I failed.

I won’t lie; I do not like the sate I am living in.  The state and city I left was my idea of paradise.  There wasn’t a lot about it that wasn’t me.  I just fit in.  Where I live now is the opposite of everything that was.  I am trying not to complain to my husband, especially since where we live is not exactly where he wants to live, but he needs to be near his kids at all times, he does not trust his ex-wife with her history of drug abuse and potentially mental illness.  How can I be mad at him for that?  I am not.  I do hate living HERE though.

When we got the test back he patiently started go over the answers I got wrong, like the state specific fine for drinking and driving.  I kept thinking, why would I care about the drinking fine!  I don’t even drink!!  I was so humiliated for failing this test. I was getting more and more humiliated as my husband is reading my STUPIDE answers out loud, for everyone to hear how dumb I was.  I was already feeling pretty dumb. 

So here is where I confess, and stop setting you up to try to feel sorry for me . . . .kind of.

On about question 5, where the answer was VERY obvious and I still got it wrong, I was no longer nice wife, but truly the wicked witch wife/step-mom.

“I HATE YOUR F#&$!%* STATE, HATE IT”

I said this very loudly

In the ear shot of children. (not his)

I stomped out of the DMV.

Today I am humiliated, and very thankful my husband loves me in-spite of myself sometimes.

What a lack of control.

For anyone in that DMV that day – I am very sorry, please forgive me. 

Praying for the Ex

I pray for my husband’s ex-wife and her mother every day.  Sounds silly I suppose, but I do.  They do not want Christ to be a part of their lives, but this is the mother of one of the most incredible little boys on this earth.  So, I suppose it is more for the sake of my step–son than it is for them that I pray. 

My husband’s ex was on meth when they split and the choices she made during that time make it hard for him to pray for her.  He does though, in spite of how hard it is.  It is a simple prayer right now, one of just save her Lord.  I though find myself spending sometimes 5 minutes or more of my prayer time every morning in prayer for her, begging God to give her every chance possible, open every door imaginable, bringing many people in to her life that love her and God.  I beg God to not give up on her.  I pray that he does whatever it takes for her to fall before him praising him as her Lord and Savior.   I just don’t know that she will make that choice.

It is strange, one day on the bus on my way to work I found myself praying for the person that was behind me.  They were having a very loud conversation on the bus that made it evident they wanted nothing to do with God.  In praying for him I received this deep peace that I just knew he was going to chose God someday.  I don’t have that peace with my husband’s ex, but I want it. 

For now I will just pray.