Is it ok to be Angry?

I think I am slowly learning that it is ok to be Angry.  In fact I think I am learning that it is only a normal emotion that is right to feel.  It is what I allow myself to be angry with that is important.

Last Friday my husband and I were informed that my younger Step-son’s mom was moving in with her boyfriend, who we will call Meff.  Meff is a shortened name for Meth-head.  Meff has every appearance of being a meth addict, one that has been for quite some time.  To some degree this does not come as a surprise, at least to me.  At my Step-son’s kindergarten graduation we got to meet Meff for the first time, when he came up to my husband and gave him notice of a civil-law-suite for my husband’s Ex, who I will now call Ms. Meff.  When he gave the civil law suit to my husband he tried to say it was a restraining order and then took his hand and crushed it as hard as he could.  Meff and Ms Meff then left.  Later that day we both agreed that, at best case scenario, this guy just got out of rehab.  Later that same day my husband had Mediation.  He said when he came home that at mediation Ms Meff was very confused, for example she could not remember the name of her counselor that she has been seeing weekly for 4 years. . . . hmmm.

I realized last night when I fell in to tears though that the straw that has broken the camel’s back happened the following Friday from Graduation (last Friday).  Ms Meff was, for the first time, going to pick her son up at our house (we have always picked him up at her house or school and dropped him off, if she was supposed to come to us she relinquished her time with him.)  I took my other step-son to the park, pre-seeing a scene he did not need to be a part of.   When she was at the ½ hour late point, my husband texted for us to come home and he would call her to have her come at another time to pick her son up.  As we walked home we saw her vehicle come flying by and make a SUDDEN stop at the stop sign at the corner we were at, as Meff did not recognize myself or my step-son, he went screeching on (Meff was driving, Ms Meff wont for any kind of real distance) as Ms Meff recognized my step-son and waived.  I texted my husband and let him know they were on their way, and that we would take a long rout home to avoid the situation.  As we doddled along we got another text from my husband that said it might be a while and we might want to go somewhere as Ms Meff was calling the cops.  – ah yes, the predicted scene -  so I told my step-son too much.  I am not happy with myself, but out of anger I did it.  I told him that Ms Meff was there and that she was making a scene, so we were going to go to one of his favorite video game stores.   I must confess to we discussed it for a short period of time, I told my step-son I felt sorry for his brother, but I also felt sorry for Ms Meff that she felt she needed to live this life.  My step-son said he felt sorry for his brother.  I continued to be distracted and not a very good step mom at all.  I kind of ½ listened to what my step son was saying as we walked as my mind was pre-occupied with my husband and other step-son.  How unfair is that.  When my husband and I got some time alone I was informed of what happened.  My husband said that Ms Meff showed up and decided to not follow the court order, which explicitly details that she is to wait at the car and call while my husband waits at the door to say good bye.  She came to the door and pounded on it saying she wanted her son.  My husband told her she was to go to her car and he would let their son go between the front door and the car. (probably a good thing to note that we received several threats from Ms Meff directly after our last hearing in April saying she was going to beat my husband up, one in the court room in front of the judge.)  Ms Meff said she wasn’t moving and that she was calling the cops.  My husband than told her to go ahead.  A few min later a cop showed up at the door and asked my husband what was going  on, my husband explained the court order and gave it to him.  The cop told Ms Meff that there was a court order and requested she follow it, after her arguing that it wasn’t a real court order and the cop telling her to stop acting like a preschooler and follow the order she went to her car.  Their son came to the door then and my husband said his good-byes.  Their son then urinated himself as he walked from the house to her car.  Ms Meff then screamed at the police officer that my husband was neglecting their son.  Their son then went back in to the house and changed his pants and returned to his mother.

Am I angry?

Yes.

Am I angry at her?

Yes

What I am desperately trying to learn how to do is separate her actions (sins) from she-herslef.

I am still learning what in the world that means.

I am starting by recognizing this is an individual with and addiction, while I do not know how far her oxycontin addiction has gone (ie. meth, heroin?) What we do know is that she is an addict. We know she has never gone for treatment for her addiction, although she and her mom will say she “is not an addict any more” (that statement, in and of itself, is proof that she has received no treatment, once an addict, always an addict)  Many, if not all at this point, of her actions are driven by that addiction.

 Is she selfish?  yes. So am I.

Now I need to learn to 1) love her as Christ loves her and 2) hate, and be angry with her actions, addictions – but not at her.

God help me. 

The Strange thoughts I have

My husband’s ex is playing a power trip right now regarding getting her son in to counseling.  She is making sure he follows the court order down to the T and plus some, i.e. she has requested more counselor options than what was required by the court order.  She is only allowing this process to happen because we are less than a month from the next court hearing and she knows she is in deep trouble, she for the 5^th time (I know because My husband and I had to go plowing through court orders for her last night and along the way counted, yes wrong to count but when you are angry you don’t always do what is right) not doing court ordered anger management or co-parenting.  It’s rather pathetic.  However there is a point where you pick your battles, trying to show her what a jerk she is right now is not a battle we need to do when we finally have leverage and the possibility of getting my step-son in to some much needed therapy.  When it really comes down to it these lying emails from her mean very little,  If she really cared about her son and getting him in to therapy, which has been in almost every court order since 2006, she would have released him for the therapy the many times we have gone down this road before.  We have gone as far as agreeing on a counselor in the past and she refused to sign the release paper work needed at the counselor’s office, this did not go over very well in court last time, hopefully she remembers that.  My hope is this time we can move fast enough and push this enough to get him in to the counseling he needs.

That though isn’t the real reason I am writing.  It is this process that got me to thinking about my step-sons schedule with us.  My step son is with us from Friday through Monday every week. (We pick him up at school on Friday afternoon and drop him back off on Monday morning.)  We actually get more face to face time with him than she does because he is in school most of the week, so I actually like this schedule, in a way I know it is limiting her influence on his life.  However through digging through almost 4 years of court paper work (fyi we average 5 times in court a year, so this is no small pile) I was thinking there really are some other benefits.  Primary benefit is that if she was to OD and die it wouldn’t be a whole weekend before anyone found out.  I keep trying to decide if this is a really bad thought, like unkind thought.  My husband wants to have his son living with us through the school week and at his mom’s on the weekend, primarily for schooling reasons. 1) He will know his son is actually getting to school and on time, not hours late with the excuse of illness, asthma etc.  2) He will have more control of My step-son’s learning and will know he is actually learning through the week, completing homework etc. 3) His pride, I think most married women and probably all step-mom’s can relate.  I don’t know, I have a feeling that we will end up with full custody at some point of my step-son, she will either die from and over dose or she will end up in jail.

Court is in 3 weeks.

I am curious what will happen, will all of her last minute attempts to manipulate the judge in to thinking that she is working at this work? Maybe.  Will they finally put their foot down? Unlikely.

Where is God in all of this? – I mean with me.  I realize she isn’t a Christian, but how do I fight this anger, how do I move forward in a way that reflects Gods? I feel blinded by the Anger at times, but I also feel justified in my anger.  Who would ever put their own pride ahead of their child so much that they would hurt him as badly as she hurts her own flesh and blood?

I struggle with Gods approach to this all. I keep praying for wisdom. James 1:19-27