Satisfaction?

The week after next is the start of what we call the CP class to the boys.  It is a Co-Parenting class that my Husband and his ex-wife have been court ordered to go through.  This will be the 3^rd time my husband has completed a co-parenting course; we are hoping she will show up for the first time. 

Or are we? 

Part of me prays she will show up for the benefit of us all.  For garsh sakes we are ALL sick of the constant fight to just get the smallest things done, like get told when there is a doctor’s appointment.  WE pay the fricken bill when it comes in and she doesn’t, why shouldn’t we go to the appointments.  At the very least be told they are coming. 

After being told all year you’re a bad parent and step-parent by the ex, truth be told, sometimes it is nice to go to court to have the court tell the ex they are screwing up.  So I won’t lie, there is definitely an evil part of me that says: “Don’t show, please don’t show again.  You are on such thin ice with the judge as it is.”  (The judge knows my husband’s ex by name, this is a judge that sees a good 5 cases an hour over an average 8 hour day, I don’t think she realizes that isn’t a good thing that he knows her by name.)  There is a part of me that see’s that if she doesn’t go this time to her anger management and co-parenting that she won’t have many more chances before we are given more of the legal rights and she loses some.  .  . . . . I know, that is SO wrong, what happened to wanting what is best for the kids.  There is a part of me, and luckily it is still the larger part of me, that hopes that she does go this time.  That this time WILL be different and we will start on a more positive path with the parenting of her son.  But there is this sweet satisfaction in the court room to see the judge get pissed with her and her excuses.  Just his face and eye rolls are so satisfying to see.  It makes me feel justified in being pissed myself.

 So Wednesday, March 3rd is a telling night, as they are supposed to go together to the class. 

Am I really me.

Before I met my husband I had a lot of dreams.  I knew who I was. I love my husband, but I am struggling with what I gave up to be with him.  I was free. I had dreams he wanted no part of. Being with him now means those dreams I release.  Did I give up me to be with him?  Without those dreams I don’t know if I am me anymore, aren’t we our dreams and making those dreams happen, is that who we are?  It hurts.   I miss my dreams. I wonder if I am missing me.  

DMV Confessions

I just had a “not so best” moment in my life at the DMV yesterday.  I just moved to the state I am living in and was unaware they would make me take a written test when I went to get my new states drivers license.  I have moved to other states and just received a new license when I went to the DMV.  . . . Unfortunately I did not pass the test.  Some of the questions I missed were ones I should have gotten too.  The person  who graded my test was probably thinking  “I do NOT want this person on the road!”  I wouldn’t blame them.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know the right answer, but I’ve never been good at tests!  In school I ALWAYS did horrible on pop quizzes, even if I knew everything, the anxiety would make my mind a big blur. To give me a test without knowing I was going to have to take, killed my chances of passing. I walked out of the little test room they had with big eyes and my heart pounding.  My sweet husband came along with me to be a support, poor man had no clue what he had gotten himself in to.  I was terrified.  I just knew I didn’t do well.  I tried to remember each of the many questions there were and go over my answers with him.  I remember three, and there were a lot more than 3.  Needless to say I failed.

I won’t lie; I do not like the sate I am living in.  The state and city I left was my idea of paradise.  There wasn’t a lot about it that wasn’t me.  I just fit in.  Where I live now is the opposite of everything that was.  I am trying not to complain to my husband, especially since where we live is not exactly where he wants to live, but he needs to be near his kids at all times, he does not trust his ex-wife with her history of drug abuse and potentially mental illness.  How can I be mad at him for that?  I am not.  I do hate living HERE though.

When we got the test back he patiently started go over the answers I got wrong, like the state specific fine for drinking and driving.  I kept thinking, why would I care about the drinking fine!  I don’t even drink!!  I was so humiliated for failing this test. I was getting more and more humiliated as my husband is reading my STUPIDE answers out loud, for everyone to hear how dumb I was.  I was already feeling pretty dumb. 

So here is where I confess, and stop setting you up to try to feel sorry for me . . . .kind of.

On about question 5, where the answer was VERY obvious and I still got it wrong, I was no longer nice wife, but truly the wicked witch wife/step-mom.

“I HATE YOUR F#&$!%* STATE, HATE IT”

I said this very loudly

In the ear shot of children. (not his)

I stomped out of the DMV.

Today I am humiliated, and very thankful my husband loves me in-spite of myself sometimes.

What a lack of control.

For anyone in that DMV that day – I am very sorry, please forgive me. 

Praying for the Ex

I pray for my husband’s ex-wife and her mother every day.  Sounds silly I suppose, but I do.  They do not want Christ to be a part of their lives, but this is the mother of one of the most incredible little boys on this earth.  So, I suppose it is more for the sake of my step–son than it is for them that I pray. 

My husband’s ex was on meth when they split and the choices she made during that time make it hard for him to pray for her.  He does though, in spite of how hard it is.  It is a simple prayer right now, one of just save her Lord.  I though find myself spending sometimes 5 minutes or more of my prayer time every morning in prayer for her, begging God to give her every chance possible, open every door imaginable, bringing many people in to her life that love her and God.  I beg God to not give up on her.  I pray that he does whatever it takes for her to fall before him praising him as her Lord and Savior.   I just don’t know that she will make that choice.

It is strange, one day on the bus on my way to work I found myself praying for the person that was behind me.  They were having a very loud conversation on the bus that made it evident they wanted nothing to do with God.  In praying for him I received this deep peace that I just knew he was going to chose God someday.  I don’t have that peace with my husband’s ex, but I want it. 

For now I will just pray. 

The Thoughts of a Step-Mom - Intro

I suppose there are a lot of us out there doing this, I don't for see there being a lot of followers to my blog, but one of the suggestions I have received is to put my thoughts, frustrations and successes down. I am starting to see this is great advice, more because my poor mom gets dumped on about once a week, if I don't start doing this I may make my mom think I live the most bitter angry life, but you can't dump a lot of these thoughts out in to the family - we are all adjusting.

Being a step-mom IS a struggle, if you are a mom and think you have the most thankless job out there I really think that us step-mom's can top you. For those of us who are step-moms and have no children of our own, it can be a frustrating trip of raising children that you care very deeply for, raising them, working hard to make sure you are trying to do what is best for them . . . . . but you are somewhere on the bottom of the totem poll below the crossing-guard at their school when it comes to recognition.

For this blog, to protect the innocent (and the guilty) I will either not use names or use false names.

I suppose we will see where this goes from here.